i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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