i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
