Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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