I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
