you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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