My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
