Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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