I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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