walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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