I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
