Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
