Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
