im having a threesome with these popsicles
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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