At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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