I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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