I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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