OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
