and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
