dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
