DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
