you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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