Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
