I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
