I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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