In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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