The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
