Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
