My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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