he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So many bounce houses so little time
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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