you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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