Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
