I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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