Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
