i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
