i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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