I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
