When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
