hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
