Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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