I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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