DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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