I didn't shave. On purpose
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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