He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
