your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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