Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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