I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently you make a good broom.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
