6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
