1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
