You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
