I can text with my tongue
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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