How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
