guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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