A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
