so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
