Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Ketchup is God's man juice
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
