ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
should my penis look like a turkey
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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