Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's shark week go big or go home
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
